Welcome the first installment of TOMM, Things On My Mind.
in this segment, i briefly give you a glimpse on whats rattling up there in the big brain box of mine.
currently, I need to stop watching Home Improvement shows… i now want to buy a house… then renovate it, all on my own… why? cus im impressionable to a flaw!
"Know thy enemy…"
know thy self would be an appropriate step one i would think. to know what youre up against, you have to know what you have to start off with. competition is relative.
i’ve been in Los Angeles for four years, and six months. i’ve lived lifetimes, lost my way, found myself, then reinvented it. i’ve thought new thoughts, made some poor choices, recouped, recovered and still pursuing happiness.(i’ll be fine once i get it)
i dont sleep well anymore, and when i do, i awake with dreams that remind me why i slept so well prior. my dreams confuse me. they wake me with questions. people say that dreams are the window to your sub conscious… but then again there are people that say so is writing. well, i say that writing is easier that trying to decipher the mindless groggy babble that comes outta my mouth when i wake up, confused.
so, here i stand, at my mental and emotional ground zero. peering over the edge. the older i get the more i try to make my life stable. i calculate risk now. i enjoyed living on my toes. it would allow me to ignore how drastic and un-promising the road ahead of me really is.
i remember when i was younger, really young. everything was uphill. i got older, it got easier. at some point it plateaued. now it just seems hard on a completely different level.
its funny how all my life i felt that i was rejected. my father, the all star team, varsity basketball…freshman basketball…girls in school. yet, i’ve prevailed. at this point you would think that i would have adjusted to rejection. from audition to audition i tread, it gets harder to want to do it.
the funny thing today, i had an audition today. for a theater play, and i was pretty angry about it. theater is not a direction option in my career. at first i was confused, why would my agent send me out for a play?!? i went none the less. to my surprised, i wasnt nervous. not as nervous as the audition i had yesterday, where i had no lines. todays audition i had 11 pages to be familiar with, in a genre that is completely greek to me. while my nerves were calm… and for the life of me i have no idea what that means.
all i can do is thank god for my travels, my future and everything he has provided. im doing my best to be obedient.
please God, give me strength, father, you know i need it…